The Ghost host

“M IL, I am very happy today! All loan is paid up for our flat! We deserve a party to celebrate!” said DIL’s message.
 “Great news! Congrats dear.” Replied MIL instantly. She was proud and happy with her DIL and DKTs achievement. They had repaid a huge loan in a short period of time – worked hard for their bright future.

 “Thank god for your mercy” MIL said a prayer and touched wood a thousand times in her mind. “So when are we going for the celebration?” MIL asked after DIL’s return from work.

 “What MIL...you know na our DIL KA TUKDA is honeymooning at Tadoba jungle. I only hope he has not proposed to any tiger out there - daal mein kuch kaala lagta hai – why has he gone to the same jungle again? Hope that there is no tribal woman affair!” DIL wondered loudly.

 “I am sure that he needn’t propose to a tribal woman or a tigress after he proposed to you 8 years ago.” Said MIL cheekily. MIL and DIL were in a very light mood, which was evident in their conversation. DKT arrived the next night and thereafter the topic of family party popped again.

 “If somebody is giving a party, a true KOBRA will never say no to it” said DKT, winking at wifey mischievously. “A greedy foody KOBRA – thats what I was destined to get as my darling hubby” DIL retorted in the same mischievous tone. “Oh my god – what happened to the party – decide and let me know” MIL said while leaving for her school. “Why don’t you ask your Dil Ka Tukda? After all, he is the one who decides where to go, what to eat, what to order – isn’t it? You and I only have to say – ‘Yes, your excellency’”
 DIL was in a teasing mood, but to much extent stating the fact too.

 DKT is a thorough foodie. Actually he would be a great asset to any of those Food Food, amhi saare khavaiyye type of TV channels. He is also a connoisseur of all kinds of food – may it be from any corner of India or any corner of the world. He doesn’t mind any slithering, burrowing, crawling, walking, swimming or flying specie of the animal kingdom! But in vegetable kingdom he is tremendously choosy. Only potato, methi, cauliflower and karela are the veggies he eats. Well, he does eat whatever is made by DIL or MIL, but only occasionally and only under duress. Because he knows otherwise the two best cooks of the world – i.e – DIL and MIL will leave his nest.

 When he is happy with home food, DKT agrees – ‘ghar ki daal – murgi baraabar’!

 Then first he eats with his nose, then eyes, then mouth and tongue! His facial expressions, the way he slurps, the way smile enlightens his face, the nodding of his head in happiness gives the feeling of ecstasy to the chefs!

 And thats the reason he doesn’t allow anyone to choose the eating joint for any party. “You are just a middle class mentality wali public – what do you know about good food? Your type is happy with wada pav, sekela sandwich, idli-sambar or thali at Udipis.” He says in such a tone that DIL and MIL look at each other guiltily.

MIL wonders if DKT was an exchanged baby at the maternity home – i.e. some elite’s baby was given to her in exchange for her hearts darling. DIL feels that while garlanding such a man standing behind the antarpath she by mistake has put her mala on some rajkumar.

 So on the day of the party by DIL, MIL and DIL and the princess of flat 409 walk behind DKT to his car and then to the joint of his choice.
He first chooses a place on the terrace which was the prime reason for choosing this restaurant. DIL and Princess take their seats. MIL is about to settle in the chair when DKT says – “Why are we sitting out? Lets go to the AC hall” DKT leads 3 of them to the dining hall.
He selects a table after giving much thought and points his finger to the table after refusing two corner tables recommended by the captain. After settling down he beckons the captain for the menu card. Menu is handed over to MIL-DIL-DKT and Princess.

 “What will you have to begin with? Anybody for soup ? Mocktail? Soft drink?” DKT enquires.
 MILs index index pops out! Old habits die hard.

"Once a teacher, always a teacher” says DKT under his breath. “What did I do?” asks MIL innocently. She is confused about DKTs reaction. “Why did you put your finger up like you are a first standard child? You are not in school – you are out in a hotel, and that too with ME.” Says DKT, stressing the word ME.

 “OK baba – all I want to say is that I will take soup.” MIL says softly.

 “You said soup, didn’t you? I know now you will say ‘cream of tomato’ - but I warn you, I am not going to order that silly choice of yours – Try –try something new – think differently and again don’t say sweet corn soup – thats again a pretty bad choice” DKT went on and on.

“Poor lady – let her have her own choice na re” DIL pleads for MIL, noticing MILs nervousness.

 DKT looks at DIL with contempt. “And you – you don’t plead for her. I know your choice very well. Given a choice, you madras will order your rassam. But I am not going to allow you that. I am going to order a fantastic soup for you. You will thank me all your life for my choice.”

Again DKT went on and on. MIL and DIL looked at each other helplessly.

 “Father I want Coke.” Says Princess of flat 409 – knowing her fathers choice for branded items. “Yes my baby – I will order exactly what you have asked for! You are having my noble genes.” Says the proud father, mocking MIL and DIL.

 MIL and DIL could hardly have three or four sips from their specially ordered concoction. They couldn’t even pretend that they enjoyed it. While MIL and DIL suffer their punishment, DKT orders his favourite foreign branded beer for himself.

 He goes over the menu looking for the weirdest names of starters which have some tongue twisting Chinese, Italian, Lebanese or say French names or ingredients which MIL is not familiar with, thought DIL seems to have heard of them.

 “Give me something made of paneer, potato, bread or corn. If you order anything else, you will have to eat it or pack it for home.” MIL says firmly.
 “Ya – ya – ya – you said it again!” DKT starts laughing so loudly that other people wonder about the content of the joke.
 “Dont be mad yaar – what makes you go overboard over the mention ‘pack it’?” DIL enquires.

 “Wifey, this mother of mine is more keen to pack the food even before ordering it. It must be her habit from the past birth......HOHOHOHOH HAHAHAHHA HEHEHEHE” DKT continues.

 Later with much reluctance he orders four starters for his vegetarian mother and six non veg starters for DIL and himself. Request to check for over-catering falls on the deaf ears.

 The captain, the waiter, the owner of the joint look at DKT with new respect. A person ordering dishes with complicated names and exorbitant prices visits once in a way.

They look happy that their chefs would get a chance to try their hands at these dishes. The cooks look for hefty tips and the manager for hefty bill.

 The last act of the play named ‘party’ ends somewhat like this – DLT says to MIL “ You have not touched those two starters at all! Why do you eat so little? Why cant you be giving me company in choosing a mocktail to go with those starters? You will feel more energetic and young if you become like me.” DKT shows concern over MILs eating habits.

 “Sorry darling – my stomach has shrunk with age – I cannot do justice to your kind offer.” MIL says politely.
 “And what about you wifey – you are just nibbling at the tandoori prawns – not yet touched the platter of kababs – what about the chicken stuffed with keema and tandoori fish?” he asks in little disappointed voice.

 “Thank you, but no thank you – I am already full with that soup and masala papad. I cant eat any more.”
DIL replies.

 DKT becomes upset with DIL and MIL and tells them that for the next party, he would only ask them to take a walk on the footpath, sniff the food and go away.

 He looks at the food spread and asks ‘You mean I have to finish these exotic dishes alone?”

 “Why not? Its all yours saar.” DIL is sure in her mind that the fish, the prawn, the goat – all will settle well in DKTs tummy along with a few cans of beer.

 DKT nibbles, chews, gobbles, swallows and nods his head in full satisfaction. “Any body for dessert? He asks, but looking at the expression on his family members faces, and also the tired, bored waiters he decides to leave the place and beckons the captain for the bill.

 When the bill appears, he points towards DIL and tells waiter to present the bill to her, saying that DIL is a bada sheth.
 The waiter gives an amused look to DKTs bada pet.

 Later while getting down the steps, DKT burps so loudly that a small child looks at him with confusion.

 “Dont worry – my mom says that burping and snoring are my dads signature tunes” says the princess of 409 to the scared child. Everybody laughs heartily. DILs party ends on this happy note.

 “Some people are ghost writers, and some people are ghost hosts” – MIL proclaims her last word.

DIL, MIL and their blunderful DKT

“Mom, I am not available for four days of the coming weekend, don’t ount me in for anything.” Announced DKT when supermom/ MIL was planning a trip to Pune in her Diwali holidays.

DKT’s announcement poured cold water on Supermom/ MILs programme.

“What do you mean? Where are you off to?” she asked.

“I am going to Tadoba sanctuary with my group to see and shoot tigers.” Was DKTs answer.

“Arre, you went  to Bandhavgad last year, before that you went  to Tadoba and then to Bandhavgad again to shoot tigers” enquired supermom MIL with much concern for the tigers in her loving voice.

“Mom...you know that when I say shoot it, it means to click their photos with my brand new multi mega pixel camera.” Explained DKT.

“I know, I know...I am not an illiterate person who thinks that shoot means kill. I am also aware that shooting wild animals is banned.” Said supermom in one breath and then continued “How different can a Tadoba tiger be from a Bandhavgad tiger, I wonder?”

“Oh grandma...you don’t understand that the Tadoba tigers are cousins of the Bandhavgad tigers. So they are a little different – isn’t it so, father?” Princess of flat no. 409 chirped in between.

“You are right baby....see your grandmother doesn’t know” said the proud father.

Then he added in a hurt tone “Your grandmother thinks I have no work to do and lots of money to waste, so I am going to the jungle for entertainment.”

Reluctantly supermom MIL kept her mouth shut.

DKT works from home. Many people envy him because he doesn’t have to commute in heavy traffic hours, doesn’t need  to wear formal clothing, follow a fixed regime of getting up early to reach in time to the office to escape boss’s stares and glares.

DKT is his own boss. The only problem of this working style, is that it results into extreme boredom for him.

The wifey goes in the morning and comes back late in the evening, irritated by the traffic jams.

“Wifey – lets watch a late night movie today” DKT proposes. He loves extempore programmes.

“No way! I had a very long meeting with our directors today – unending – unfruitful discussions. A very trying day. Chee!!” Six out of ten times, this is DILs reply.

“Why cant you understand me? It is so frustrating and irritating to sit at home day after day and then once in a way ask my kind hearted wife – she flatly refuses because I didn’t give her 3 months prior notice in writing for watching a movie! Bah – no spontaneity, no fun. What a lucky guy I am” DKT grumbles.

DIL doesn’t like eleventh hour programmes. Besides office, she has other excuses, like daughters and MILs dinner, or sometimes replying to some urgent mails. Even when MIL generously excuses from the duty towards her, she wants to finish her sleep backlog.

If Dil Ka Tukda still insists, she gives him a counter proposal – or say permission – to bring another wife who will be at his beck and call – dress up and accompany him – whenever and wherever he wants her to go with him.

‘Wise man’, that MILs DKT has not yet fallen for this temptation.

But yes, he has joined many different hobby groups and has started developing interest in photography and biking. With these friends he goes for hiking, and sometimes he decides to move about in town for western music festivals, dramas, movies etc and no one objects to his escapades.

All in all, everybody is happy. The Tadoba trip was one such trip that he had planned.

On the day of the trip the supermom asked DKT “have you checked your journey time dear?”

“What do you mean? Ofcourse, I am sure about my journey time, and date and boarding place.” Retorted DKT.

“Then tell me what time would you be leaving and what about booking of Meru taxi?” Supermom was not ready to give up easily.  She wanted to confirm and reconfirm everything.

“ I have already booked Meru for 9’o’ clock. I have to go to CST. The train starts at 10.15 PM. I have kept a margin of 1 hour 15 min to get to the station, though actually I need only 15 minutes.

Anything else  you want to know or should I watch my TV program?” DKT gave a harsh look, which left MIL totally speechless.

“OK, I will tell DIL to keep your dinner rady by usual time – i.e 8 PM”  said supermom a.k.a MIL and went back to her reading.

Suddenly at about 8.10, MIL heard a loud laughter and she heard DIL – “MIL, MIL – your DKT  has missed his train! He was supposed to board it at 8.15 from CST and he is still sitting here – TV se aankhen laga raha hai.”

Supermom was shocked. In the morning her DKT had assured her about his programme. She was reminded of two such earlier episodes where DKT had done similar faux pas. But she also knew that there was no use getting upset over spilt milk. She gave time to DKT to settle down, and after about an hour, went to his room. DIL and DKT were watching Masterchef!

MIL couldn’t believe her eyes! So cool....no sign of sorrow over loss of ticket money! God bless DKT. 

Supermom had come to console DKT, but instead DKT consoled her – “ Cheer up mom, don’t worry. As soon as wifey told me about my mistake, I immediately booked plane ticket for morning flight. I will reach Nagpur before them and catch up with the group.”

“No remorse over the lost money?”

“Arre mom...hamaare liye paisa hai – hum paise ke liye nahin hai! And also to remind you of an old saying – ‘To err is human’ !”

DKT’s principles were oozing out of his wide smiling mouth. Supermom was still in serious mood.  She warned him –“To err is human – but to err again and again certainly needs a sermon. Have you checked date and time of your journey at least now?” she asked.

DKT shook his head at a complete 180 degree angle.

Satisfied, she came back and retired to her bedroom. 

At around 11’o’clock, she heard a loud banging on her bedroom door. When she opened it, DIL entered, laughing like a mad person who had had too many glasses of bhaang! Totally uncontrollable laughter.

“Now what?” asked MIL, confusion writ large on her face.

Trying to control her bouts of laughter, DIL said, “MIL, I think that you must start a diet of almonds by the kilo fir our DKT. Also, I will buy Shankhapushpi from the ayurvedic medicine shop – for our darling DKT. “

‘But why dear?”

“To improve his memory power’

“And whats wrong with my son’s memory, may I know? He still  remembers his wife’s and mom’s face, isn’t it?

“He does – HAHAHAHAHA – he surely does. HEHEHEHE – but again he has committed a silly mistake.”

“DIL – this is too much – calling my son a silly person!”

“Sorry mom – but he has booked his ticket for 15^th November, instead of 14^th November, when he actually needs to travel on 14^th morning! Again he needs to cancel his air ticket and buy a new one for tomorrow!”

“And how did you notice that?”

“I happened to check his ticket very carefully to avoid embarrassment at the airport.”

“Why did you do it, sonny boy?”

Before DKT could answer, DIL jumped, clapped, laughed and said “it is very simple! He forgot today’s date! He thought it was 14^th instead of 13^th.” She kept on laughing and added – “MIL, please warn him not to go too much close to a tiger during his tadoba excursion. He has already made two mistakes. If he goes too close to a tiger for close up, it is unlikely that the tiger will forgive him – instead it will happily gobble him up! Tigers DONT FORGET their lunch time!”

JAI HO MASTERCHEF

“Hey, wifey , what is a Sunday special breakfast tomorrow ?” asked DKT.

“Vada Sambar , honey and may be a coconut chatany” answered DIL.

“DIL, my relatives from Poone are coming to see us next week , we must sit and plan some menu” MIL said to DIL.

“Don’t worry MIL, I’ll make nice Rassam Vada for them. I am sure they will dance with joy when they’ll get to eat soft soft Vadas with the yummy Rasam”  DIL started drooling over the taste of her own recipe.

“Mumma , what will you make for my Birthday Party this time ? I know Baba is going to order the Chhota Bheem Cake but what is your plan ?” asked the Princess of the flat no B- 409

“Darling , I’ll make cocktail Idlis and Dahiwada. Your friends will lick their fingers to no end” said DIL , the Royal mother.

Dil Ka Tukda overheard the dialogue and butted in –

“And now if I tell you that my friends are coming to enjoy a cricket match on our 50’inch TV , over lunch , you’ll surely present your stereotype Idli Vada treat to them ! Treat – Haha !” blurted DKT – “You and Your Vadas , Great show !”

DKT completed his sentence to the effect of lighting the wick of a bomb.

And the bomb ….. I mean DIL exploded!

“Ya……. You nincompoop – you laughing at my vadas – I am managing my job , daughter , MIL and to top it all YOU – a Nut for last many years – Everybody praises my vadas except you – if you don’t like them then why do you gobble them?” DIL was raging with frustration and anger.  

“Hee – Hee – Hee – I know you South Indians cannot stand an insult to your culinary skill. Just accept and forget that you have VADAMANIA !”

“Ya , Ya , I have Vadamania and you’ve Vadaphobia!- and tell me , what did you expect when you married a South Indian girl like me ! Shrikhand – Puri and masala Bhat along with watery Aamti and Taak ?” DIL now started teasing DKT for his Maharashtrian genealogy.

MIL thought it was a right time for her to wave a white flag !

“Stop arguing over Vadapuran! Let us reach a amicable solution. Tell me who started the  fight ?” asked MIL .

“Who else but your DKT – sits the whole day watching Australian , American , Indian Masterchef programmes , salivating and brooding over those stupid TV shows! All wives have  nightmares because of their husband’s expectations of exotic dishes made by those chefs! Why can’t the men folk move to the kitchen and try their hands at them” – DIL challenged DKT.

“OK- OK –I’ll show you that I am not just whiling away my time but can beat you in your own domain!” DKT accepted the challenge magnanimously! but on a condition of you assisting me”.

“Done!” said DIL.   

And from the next day the 8 X 6 kitchen became abode for our local Sanjeev Kapoor and the family members assisting DKT as and when needed – which was almost all the time.

The foodstores at the malls were raided for the rare ingredients which were unseen by the poor Mom’s kitchen !

The often heard sentences were “What you don’t have thousand island dressing ?”

“Not even the Italian herbs ?”

“And what about Chinese sauces? And I always thought you two ladies manage the full fledged kitchen !”

MIL and DIL were asked to shell , shred , dice , prick , soak , grate , grind , roast , stir fry , shallow fry , deep fry ingredients to make the Master Chef’s Special !

Kitchen sink overflowed with crockery, cutlery and number of pots and pans! Once or twice MIL almost slipped on the wet kitchen floor. Princess too participated by handing over the different articles needed. DIL’s hands were kept busy in arranging the olives , mushrooms , jalapeno pepper , coloured bell pepper , seasoning , grated cheese etc.

And when the dish was ready the first thing was not that offering to God in old Indian way but to click a photo to post it on Face Book ! 

Looking at all this DIL would smile mischievously but look at her DKT adoringly  and praise him   for his excellent performance . 

MIL-  the occasional consultant would be HAPPY any which way – whether DIL or DKT – she would be sure to get Tasty food – either Idli Vada or Pizza , Pasta , Tomato – Sev curry or Papad Subji in curd gravy !

Kudos to Master chef ! 

Sugandhi Dosti – Fragrant Friendship

I have two DIL’s.   No,  not the organ that you understand by the word DIL!   Otherwise I would have gone down in the book of Medical Miracles and also some doctors would have been waiting with a scalpel to conduct my post-mortem.   This DIL is a different DIL – ie like an old time Crack Jack biscuit.

So the one who is a different DIL  accidentally noticed my love for branded perfumes.  She had entered my room when I was adoringly looking at my collection of empty perfume bottles of yore!    Some of them had been presented to me by my friends and one set was a surprise gift on my birthday by my husband... in the last century!     That was when he happened to visit UK on an official tour.  I loved those cutely shaped bottles and the perfume till it lasted.  Even after they were empty,  they emitted fragrance and revived my memories.    I had preserved the bottles and used to flaunt my treasure to my grandchildren.   On one such occasion,   DIL noticed the lust in my eyes.

This DIL of mine is a very practical person.  She has her own idea of enjoying life’s pleasure.  She stands 1000kms away from all the girlie madness over fashionable clothes, shoes, accessories and perfumes.   She is very happy with her jeans,  tees, backpacks and of course sports shoes – all these items are branded too!

According to this different DIL of mine,  50% of the ladyfolk ,  ie her MIL’s tribe,  waste time in front of the idiot box.   Another 45% girlie folk do nothing but drown themselves in useless discussions over the movies / current fashions / parties / maids  and their nagging MIL’s even if they happen to be married to the most desirable man in town.    And the remaining 5% hardly shows interest in world finance,  share market or global tourism.      My DIL says only if this scenario changes can Mumbai become Shanghai!

Now what was I talking about – yes, perfumes!    So this DIL of mine who believes in simple living, touring and travelling,   hiking and backpacking went for her annual holiday to USA via Kuwait.   She shocked me when she unpacked her backpack.    In a flash,  she took out a set of Dior’s LA collection of perfumes,  and with a bow she presented it to me – For You she said.   My eyes sparkled and filled with tears at the same time.   I still enjoy the lingering fragrance of  Midnight Poison,   Dior Addict Shine,  J’adore,   Miss Dior Cherie and Dior Addict 2.   I love them all.    Lately my granddaughter  too has followed suit.   She never forgets to remind me to wear perfume before leaving for any function.  Of course she chooses her perfume on her own.

Just recently I found the falling levels in those cute little bottles and commented on it  during dinner.  And Oh-la-la!   My DIL took the hint and I got what I wanted – a collection of Lancome perfumes.  DIL  brought it for her mad MIL  when she went for her annual vacation to USA – Sugandhi Dosti ka Haath!   DIL, you have your MIL’s DIL.    

 

Thanks DIL for spreading the Fragrance of Friendship!

DIL MIL gaya

This disaster struck me seven years ago!  My son challenged our role in selecting a suitable match for him.    “Only I,  and not anybody else has a right to choose my better half.   After all it is my life” said he!      We had to gulp down our opinions  and listen to him though he had made many questionable choices in the past, one of them was choosing me as his mother, wasn’t it?

One day after two years of courting and spending most of his unemployment period  under her  kind favours, he brought  the girl home and declared his intention of marrying her.

Happy I was, because I wanted him to marry somebody,  but  this somebody in front of me was not THE person I had visualized about.  I knew something was going on behind our backs when he used to plan escapades with his “friend” for a week or two and THIS was the “friend” he meant.  The girl in front of us was a girl from south,  a short, dark girl with bright clear eyes.    

After a short conversation with her,  she seemed to be a tough nut to crack.   She had a strong opinion about everything I discussed with her.   Most of her arguments showed her independent thinking ahd her “who cares” attitude.    She did not believe in following any accepted norms of behaviour or societal consents.  She was ruled by her head and not heart,  said she.  The whole affair was a rude shock to us but we had to accept this for the sake of keeping the family together.    So seven years ago,  this girl entered our family as our DIL.

There was considerable change in our lifestyle after DIL entered our household.   Initially it was a tight rope walk for both the parties.   Both were wanting to prove their point of view.  There was much gap in our thinking styles which I assigned to the famous generation gap funda.   The son and the father-in-law were as neutral as they were allowed to be!

Time went by,   guiding principles like “ Live and Let Live”, “No problem, chill”, “No issues”, “It’s my life”, “It is  ok”,  “Let us not discuss this matter anymore” etc have helped us settle down amicably.  Over the  years,   our relations have thawed to a large extent.   Though even now,  she hates to admit that she is at times tired, angry, upset, wishes to complain about something, needs help,  wants to cry.    She doesn’t do it because it is not in her nature to accept any kind of weakness – but now I do get a clue about it from her expressions.   She too has learnt when to leave me alone and when not to take me for granted or trample my toes!

I have also realized that under the tough and headstrong exterior of DIL,    lies a soft, friendly and caring person, who is unable to convey or express her emotions.  But all the same,  DIL never fails to attend to family members’ needs.  I have experienced DIL’s capacity to handle emergencies deftly by taking timely decisions.   I have felt that most of our relatives have changed their opinions about DIL after getting to know her concern and care for them.   But during our daily routine “To each his own” maxim is followed.

My DIL is not much into pooja, pathha or festival celebrations nor does she believe in following any of the family traditions or our practices.     But yes, she teaches our family helpers and needy people with kindness.  Though our opinions differ on many a matter,  we follow the policy of peaceful co-existence and symbiosis.  Because of the dosti of DIL & MIL,  my son feels more relaxed and secure about “His” family life.   Balnace could have tilted either in his favour or against,  if one of us had not been samazdar!   Samazdari mein hi hoshiyari hai!     

Now why did I take a chance to go over the past happenings?  I dared to do it because earlier many a times DIL laughingly used to threaten me and her hubby to put us behind bars on charges of emotional harassment,  if she were to get even a thin chance – she being the daughter of her advocate father!

But now that seven years itch is over,  we have started singing this love duet –

                DIL          : Kya bolti tu?

                MIL        : Kya mai bolu?

                Sun – suna – jati kya police thana

                Kya karu mai jaake abhi police thana?

                Arre marenge, pitenge,  humko vo thokenge

                Roegi  Sasuma teri, roegi  Sasuma

                Arre jaane dona Sasuma – Rehne do na sasuma

                Apun ka DIL MIL gaya na?

A Hen that lays golden eggs

I am a hen that lays golden eggs! Shocked? Surprised? Unbelievable?  Then ask my DIL!  I lay golden eggs for her but in a very different form.

In these days of nuclear families, consisting of only husband, wife and children,  I happen to stay together with my son and DIL without encroaching on each other’s privacy.   My DIL goes to office leaving the kingdom to me,  till she is back in the evening.    When she is back – she takes over – I mean the kitchen.  I get two hearty, ready-made meals and therefore plenty of time to watch the serials on the idiot box.   I have convinced myself that I deserve this royal routine after working for twenty years for my husband and babies in the family.  My DIL lets me enjoy  this privilege.  The reason being that I am the hen that lays golden eggs.  Didn’t I tell you eggs are in a different form?

The story goes like this.  DIL is an avid traveller.   She has married my son by extracting a Kaikeyee type of boon from him,  so it seems.    She must have promised to take care of us – inlaws and family – for ten months of the year, provided nobody questions her about the remaining two months – where and when she plans to spend her time.

So the hisab goes like this – four weeks a year of small outings by adjusting her second and fourth Saturdays off.    A few days of paid leave and casual leave goes in emergency calls such as viral fever,   bad throat, late rising on weekdays,   maid’s chutti, etc.     But DIL plans her one month holiday program two years in advance.  That’s how it is!   She never shares with anyone the special goddess,  whose talisman she wears,  when she approaches her boss for that long vacation.    Not only does she plan her own vacation,  but at times she volunteers to take her mayake-ka-khandan or sasural ke senior citizens for their much lusted foreign trips.  Now that is the time I provide my DIL with my eggs!    Arre baba - that extra leave she takes on my account.

I am the famous sacrificial goat at her boss’s altar.  On many a holiday that she enjoys,   she is supposed to be nursing her poor mother-in-law’s broken hand,  leg or hip.   Some other time,  when she is away enjoying the Amazing Alps or Noisy Niagara,  she is supposed to have admitted me in various expensive super-specialty hospitals for life threatening emergencies like broken vertebral column,   cerebral haemorrhage or cardiac arrest.    And she being the only kind-hearted DIL,  she is supposed to be lovingly fulfilling her duty.    Her boss and colleagues not only sympathise with her,  but also with my husband for marrying such a sickly and accident-prone woman.    So as a reward for her sincerity,   DIL gets extra leave from her stupid boss.

You must be wondering as to why I don’t protest! Simple – I am blissfully unaware of my accidents, fractures and illnesses.    I never come to know that I am the poor person in her deathbed,  holding my DIL’s hand tightly and not letting her go out of my sight.   Just recently I happened to get a whiff of her idea and the ground under my feet started shaking!   “Please DIL,  don’t make me invalid or kill me for your long leave” I pleaded and begged with folded hands.

DIL smiled sweetly and said, “ Listen sasuma,  now for my extended Diwali holidays,  I am planning to say it is your cataract operation in both the eyes.   And then,   for five days leave adjoining the New Year,   my excuse will be your long pending ear operation to cure your deafness!    Be good, sasuma,  and calm down.  For my cho-chweet sasuma,    I have planned a family vacation to Japan in August 2016.    Last but not the least,   about the thought of killing you,      no,  I won’t! 

  How can I kill a hen that lays golden eggs?”

DIL’S DILEMMA

“To trek or not to trek” was not my DIL’S dilemma but whether to take her little – Big hubby with her , was a question troubling her mind.

“Mil what to do you think about my idea of motivating my husband to undertake the trek on coming Saturday ?” DIL asked for my opinion without expecting an answer from me.

“DIL , see if you can convince him but if he is unwilling , don’t be irritated” I mumbled in the vaccum because DIL had disappeared from the sight, not willing or waiting to take my advice or suggestion.

My DIL is quite a self motivated and self reliant person. She hates to take any advice or suggestions though she doesn’t mind dealing them away, like a seasoned card player who deftly deals cards while playing Rummy or Teen Patti.

It is fun to notice how DIL hangs , ones suggestions on a peg in the hall and gets pleasure in acting according to her own plan. If I tell her to make khichadi for dinner, thinking that DIL must be tired after the day’s work, she would prepare a four course meal with Rassam, Sambar, Rice, Potato vegetable and to top it all , she would serve salad, Papadam and curds. If there happens to be some festival and if I try and tell her how important it is to serve proper meal, then she would leave the whole menu care of our cook or would prepare simple lunch of Rice , Kolumbu and may be a dash of age old pickle. If she feels very generous then she would offer to fry an egg as an accompaniment. And mind well , it’s not because she doesn’t know to cook exotic dishes , but DIL simply feels it is not a big deal that the family has to have its 2655^th meal in the form of a festive menu! That’s all ! that’s the way DIL operates. If DIL wants to do something come rain or storm she does it as per her plan.

Sorry , the topic was not about the daily bread that Almighty DIL serves on the dot! But it was about Trekking! Please not the capital T because it is my DIL’s first Love. So to be at it , DIL had started dreaming about treks for long i.e. from the time the Rain God started showering his blessings on Mumbai. On many a weekends she would declare her intention of taking a family for trekking adventure in early morning at 5a.m , On such Friday nights I would get a nightmare and I would see myself dragged to a hill fort. In my dreams I would see that my carefully collected layers of fat ( by eating oodles of desi gee ) melting away in the hot sun!But next morning  I would sigh with relief to find myself to be in bed at 9 a.m. And why did I say hill fort you may ask – the reason given by DIL is they look beautiful and inviting to the seasoned trekkers – especially forts in the regions of Lonavala, Khandala and Pune . e.g Tikona, Panhala, Vishalgad, Lohagad, Karnala and many more…….

DIL can reel out names of any number of forts in Maharashtra that even Shivaji Maharaj would not have remembered.

Well , as per DIL’s every season’s dream , this time DIL wanted to utilize her second week end for trekking and asked her one time trekking companion – who happens to be my DIL ka Tukda – my son , to join her. Dil told him that she has given up her hope to prepare her dumb, lazy, overweight and stubborn MIL to experience the fun , atleast once and has now decided to stop trying anymore. So why not trekking fun only for the  lovey dovey twosome.

But alas! The DIL Ka Tukda refused to budge from his royal seat in front of the TV as there was a final cricket match between England and Australian team and both teams would have surely missed Him – their fan’s presence.

Dil blew her top and shouted – “You Lazy Lump of Lipids- sit at home and incubate the sofa set. I am going ‘Solo’ alone… did you hear ? s-o-l-o , but I will not miss the train for the trek this time at any cost”.

DIL swang her back pack on her shoulder and left home for Lohagad…. To enjoy her much awaited rainy season’s adventure. Without saying bye bye to her poor MIL or poor Lazy Lump Of Lipids !    

Mil , Dil and Dil ka Tukda

“I am telling you Mil – I am very upset with your Dil ka Tukda”. Dil grumbled early in the morning at 9 am. That was not the way to start a Sunday morning.

“Now what did my poor little sonny boy do to displease you Dil ?” I asked pretending to be much concerned about her complaint but still wondering about the cause. I was enjoying my Sunday morning news paper and having a breakfast at the same time.

My Dil is a very private person. She rarely opens her mouth to share any of her frustrating experiences at her work , about the people she meets or any thing that bothers her on the home front.

She tolerates  my Dil ka Tukda’s all whims and fancies with the kind of attitude “Jaane do bachcha hai – chhod deta hoon”. Actually Dil allows him to enjoy full freedom of thought and action. That is the reason I was confused when I heard from Dil that she was upset with my Dil ka Tukda.

“Dil, better come off clean on the topic – say what is bugging you ?”.Dil was shocked to hear my language .Was I trying to ape their language ? She gave me a doubtful look with narrowed eyes.

“Your Dil ka Tukda is going to buy his 17^th mobile phone”.

 “What ?” I jumped with  a shock , spilling my coffee and scattering Idlis all over the breakfast table.

“Dil, I warn you not to tease me again and again by calling him my Dil ka Tukda anymore. You have adopted him long ago. To be precise nine years ago. Now he is your Dil ka Tukda !! clear ? Now blurt out” I said.

“Ok – Ok , right now I am not in a mood to cross swords with you . I told you na, I am upset with DKT. Please tell me how to control his madness about buying the latest cell phone model” Dil pleaded.

I felt like a proud peacock .Dil was asking for my advice! Something she never did in last seven years!! At last she has understood her Mil’s capacity as counselor. The  Great God has given her wisdom to value her Mil’s opinion! I was engrossed in thoughts while patting my own back. 

“Mil , what’s happening about the advice ? You are ready with a dozen when I don’t need your advice and now you want ‘Bhav’ or what ? Dil  sounded angry.

“No Dil I want to go to the root of DKT’s problem. After changing four laptops, three bikes , four models of cars, half a dozen cameras , he now wants to change his 17^th cell phone ? But why I say !”

“Hah ! he says that his six month old model has become out dated. The new model has more apps. He has already placed an order over to an online dealer! Oh Gosh ! 17^th cell phone ! please please suggest something quickly” Dil begged of me.  

As soon as I heard this, I knew Dil was telling the truth. Because in the past DKT has tried many a times to emotionally black mail us for changing our cell phones, toasters , microwave, washing machines and many other electronic gadgets. But the magic of our own marketing man did not mesmerize our minds and all gimmicks’  to buy wonderful technology i.e. current update of phones , I pods, I pads , lap – tops , tablets etc did not work out. DKT loves to flirt with technology and Dil and myself are happy with our old working models of especially cell phones – she with her Black Berry and I with my faithful Nokia of 10 years.

I do appreciate the usefulness of technology but I don’t want to be a slave to it. Actually DKT calls me a Nightmare of sales people who come out with their remote controlled or touch sensitive dream products. And for once Dil shares my views to much extent on this issue.

Our DKT sneers at our choice but that’s how we two ( Dil and Mil ) manage to keep control over our funds.

“Dil, threaten DKT that you would leave him if he buys a new cell phone. I am sure that will scare him” was my advice to Dil. She wondered about my mental condition.

“ It may or may not work – but no harm in trying it out. Otherwise I can always say I was joking’ said Dil. Ready to take a chance. Together we both i.e. Dil and Mil tried hard to deter him from buying that so called status symbol / ego booster.

“Ok I’ll give you an option” said Dil ka Tukda. If you won’t allow me to have an updated version of cell phone or item of my choice , I’ll …………..hmmmmm”

“What you’ll ? what hmmmm………” we both asked together.

“Simple , I’ll change my old wife of seven years for an updated version and also dump 67 year old model of Mom in  a recycle bin” , he said triumphantly.

Do you know any treatment for this Gadgetomania ?    

To Gift or not to gift

‘To gift or not to gift’ was a question before MIL.

“ isn’t it strange” said DIL KA TUKDA, “You used to buy different things for your DIL No. 1. Now why are you making it such a big issue?”

DKT was not ready to understand his poor mom’s problem. She had one most unwilling buyer for her usual gift pack idea. “DIL, I am giving you one more last chance. Why cant you be like the other fifty girls in the family and enjoy normal ‘Feminine Finery’?” pleaded MIL

“I am different – very different” said DIL stubbornly.

“DIL please....please...” MIL almost went down on her knees.

“Arre baba...what’s your problem MIL? You should be happy that you don’t have to spend your money on Sarres, jewellery, handbags or salwar kameez – for me at least.” DIL said firmly.

“DIL, its not the question of money – you should learn to value your MIL’s feelings. People express their love, care and concern when they gift something to somebody” – MIL tried to blackmail DIL emotionally.

“If you wish to satisfy your wish, you may – but don’t expect me to use the given items! As it is, you know that I pass on the things that are forced on to me or I tell you to return them to giver with thanks.” DIL was not ready to give in easily.

MIL too remembered the number of unused gifts extended to DIL.

MIL shook her head in distress. For the first time she had come across a person who refused to take a gift willingly given by someone. But all the same, MIL did not want to leave any stone unturned.

“why don’t you tell me about your likes and dislikes? So that in future, if I see something I will get it for you. “ MIL was feeling like a fool when she failed in convincing her DIL.

“OK, just for your satisfaction I will think over your suggestion.” DIL said obligingly.

In the next week DIL came with a wide smile on her face, and handed over a list of 15 items which she would welcome as a gift. MIL was overjoyed to see the paper thrust in her hand.

“At last – what an obedient, considerate and loving gesture! Thank you DIL!” MIL said with tears in her eyes.

Then she opened the paper and started reading the items breathlessly. She could never have imagined the items mentioned therein.

‘Trekking shoes...sleeping bag....wind cheater....haversack/ backpack....Hidesign wallet....camera....T shirt...jeans...Lonely Planet travel guides.....along with the items, their hifi brand names were included.

MIL was baffled!

Was this a list for her or for him?

Wasn’t it a little odd for DIL to ask for such things from her old fashioned MIL?

Then suddenly MIL started laughing and said to herself – Oh, now I get it...

DKT and DIL had met and fallen for each other when they met for the first time on the Everest base camp trekking expedition.

“So... she is different.” MIL admitted wholeheartedly.